Everyone wants to be heard, but a conversation cannot be had if everyone is talking over each other. Use these tips to help navigate difficult conversations.
Mutual understanding of each other’s point of view
I listen to learn. I take seriously someone else’s point of view.
I listen for strengths, so that I may affirm and learn someone’s point of view.
I speak for myself. I use my own experiences and point of view. I try to examine my own assumptions.
I ask questions to clarify and increase my understanding of someone else’s point of view (I try to suspend judgment; and give my conversation partner a fair hearing).
I allow my conversation partner to complete a thought. I wait until she/he is finished to respond.
I concentrate on others’ words, feelings, body language, and other modes of communication.
I respect others’ experiences as true and valid for them. I desire to learn from these experiences to come to new understandings of my own.
I respect others’ feelings.
I honor silence.
I look for ways to extend the conversation.
DEBATE
Argument of my position over that of another
I listen to counter. I am closed to someone else’s ideas.
I listen for weakness, so that I may discount and devalue someone’s point of view.
I speak for others. I assert my assumptions about others’ experiences and motives, in an effort to vindicate my point of view.
I ask questions to control the conversation, or to confuse my conversation partner. I look for ways to affirm my point of view. My goal is to win the debate.
I interrupt my conversation partner or change the subject.
I concentrate on my response or my next point.
I interpret others’ experiences as naïve, incorrect, or distorted (while championing my own). I desire to bring my conversation partner to my point of view.